Interview with Harry--The Full Monty
by Ann Valentine
Summary: You'll laugh (with any luck). You'll cry (at the bad jokes). You'll wonder (what the author was on). Get ready for the vampiest ride of your life! (Chapter 4 up 5/26/02!)
1. Knowing Bela Lugosi

Hey everyone! In celebration of the fifth book's soon-to-be-released-state, I'm re-releasing my parody of _Interview with the Vampire_. Um, warnings—it contains slash (Draco/Harry, Ron/Harry), cursing, vampires, and, above all else, copious amounts of insanity. So, enjoy, and please review!

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Interview with Harry

[EXT. London. Night. Parliament and Big Ben are visible in the glow cast by the streetlamps. Slow pan up to a hotel.] 

[CUT TO: INT. The hotel. The streetlights provide the only illumination, but it is enough to see:] 

[HARRY, a tall, slender man, is standing by the window, arms crossed over his chest. NEVILLE, who is somewhat shorter and chubbier, is sitting at the table behind HARRY, fiddling with his Quick-Quotes Quill.] 

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HARRY

You wanted to interview me? 

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NEVILLE

Yeah. I work for the Daily Prophet. [he taps the QQQ on the notebook in front of him] Testing, testing. 

[CUT DOWN TO: The QQQ flying across the paper. It reads: 

"Neville Longbottom, 22, lady-killer and reporter extraordinaire . . ."] 

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NEVILLE

I told Rita to take it off the highest setting . . . 

[HE crumples up the paper and tosses it over his shoulder. A very faint 'ow' is heard. HE fiddles with the QQQ a little more, then sets it back down on the notebook.] 

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NEVILLE

Let's try this again. Testing. 

[This time it reads: 

"Neville: Testing."] 

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NEVILLE 

[setting the QQQ up to write]

Is this where you live? 

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HARRY

Sometimes. 

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NEVILLE

Only sometimes? Where do you live the rest of the time? 

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HARRY

Around. 

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NEVILLE 

[getting a little annoyed]

Okay. So, what do you do? 

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HARRY

I'm a vampire. 

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NEVILLE

Hey, do you know Bela Lugosi? 

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HARRY

Hey, do you know how many times I've been asked that? 

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NEVILLE

Were you planning to kill me, drink my blood, all that stuff? 

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HARRY

Still sounds like a good idea to me. 

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NEVILLE

You're not kidding, are you? 

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HARRY

We can't begin like this. I'll turn on the light. 

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NEVILLE

I thought vampires- 

[Suddenly, the light comes on, revealing HARRY at the table. He is quite good-looking, with messy black hair, green eyes covered by glasses, a scar on his forehead, and extremely pale skin. NEVILLE gasps.] 

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NEVILLE

Eurgh! 

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HARRY

What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen someone go so fast that they appear to have an abnormally long arm? 

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NEVILLE

Um . . . no . . . [he shakes himself] Anyway. 

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HARRY

Shall we begin like David Copperfield . . . 

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NEVILLE

Oh, man! You're married to Claudia Schiffer? Does she have a friend? Can you introduce us? 

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HARRY 

[very pointedly ignoring NEVILLE]

I was born, my parents were killed, I grew up and went to Hogwarts. Or should we begin when I was born to darkness, as I call it. 

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NEVILLE 

[miffed]

Whatever. 

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HARRY

The year was 1492 and a half. I was seventeen, a little older than you . . . 

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NEVILLE 

[voice is heard as we fade into a scene of 1492 and a half London]

I'm twenty-two! 

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HARRY V.O. 

[ignoring NEVILLE]

Times were different then. I was a man at that age. 

[Mortal HARRY runs to the center of the scene. HE waves, spins around, and does several cartwheels before staggering off-screen.] 

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HARRY V.O.

I had lost my wife, child, father, mother, sister, brother, cousin, uncle, aunt, grandparents, girlfriend, best friend, schoolfriends, headmaster, Transfiguration teacher, godfather, dog, cat, pet leprechaun, and . . . [NEVILLE snores] HEY! 

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NEVILLE V.O.

Gah! What? 

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HARRY V.O.

As I was saying, I had lost them in a battle with Voldemort. I would have been happy to join them. 

[CUT TO: Mortal HARRY sitting at a table in a bar with a Woman of Questionable Standards™ (Cho) draped all over him.] 

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HARRY V.O.

I wanted to lose it all. My estate . . . my money . . . my vir-er-everything. 

[HE throws down some cards. The DEALER glares at him.] 

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DEALER (Colin)

How many aces are in that deck? 

[PAN DOWN to reveal five aces on the table.] 

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HARRY

Are you calling me a cheat? 

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COLIN

You're cheating, aren't you? 

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HARRY

Um. 

[COLIN pulls out this huge gun that's bigger than he is.] 

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HARRY

You lack- 

[COLIN falls over backwards with the gun sticking in the air.] 

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COLIN

Ow. 

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CHO

Let's go. 

[SHE helps HARRY up and leads him out of the bar.] 

[CUT TO: EXT. London. Night. Near the Thames.] 

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HARRY V.O.

My invitation was open to anyone. The woman of questionable standards at my side, the Potions master who followed- 

[CUT TO: SNAPE, following the two, pulls out a glass vial.] 

[CHO slams HARRY up against the wall and leans in very close.] 

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CHO

Tell me, were you and Cedric ever . . . together? 

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HARRY

Wha- 

[Suddenly, SNAPE runs up to them.] 

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SNAPE

Give me your money or you die! 

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HARRY V.O.

But it was a vampire that accepted. 

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DRACO 

[from above]

BANZAI! 

[HE leaps down, shoves CHO and SNAPE away from HARRY, then grabs HARRY and lifts him into the sky.] 

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HARRY

Um . . . Draco? This is only the first book. You can't fly yet. 

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DRACO

Oops. 

[THEY fall, and by some miracle, DRACO lands on the bottom so neither is hurt. DRACO glares at HARRY and bites him.] 

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DRACO 

[pulls away]

Do you still want death or have you had enough? 

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HARRY 

[weakly]

Check, please. [passes out] 

[CUT TO: EXT. Day. The banks of the Thames.] 

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HARRY V.O.

He left me there. I was just able to drag myself back to my house. 

~end chapter one~


	2. Get Off My Lap!

Welcome to chapter two! Before the actual screenplay, though—the shout-outs!

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Aphrodite black ~ Thanks! It just gets sillier, too . . .

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SaturnsFirefly ~ Don't stop on my account! *helps SaturnsFirefly back into seat* Write! Write! I want to read it when it's done. ^__^

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MaskofDawn ~ Thanks! Yeah, Hollywood is silly when it comes to the Vamp Chron . . . did you SEE _Queen of the Damned_? That was a disgrace.

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Hermionegranger ~ Yep, that was the point! ^__^

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Secretmirror180 ~ Isn't it GOOD?! Besides_ Queen_, it's my favorite of the books.

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Sailor Moirae ~ Here you go! More for your reading pleasure!

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draco's princess ~ Snagged straight from Terry Pratchett's spiffy fantasies. They're great. So here's more!

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asd ~ Why, thank you! 

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Marionette ~ You ask and I obey. Here's some more!

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sparklysilvernoodlez ~ Well, you don't have to _beg_ . . . but here's some more anyway.

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kelly ~ Thank you! Yeah, it's supposed to be a bit on the weird side, most things I write are.

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Ivory Tower ~ Glad you love it! Here's some more for you!

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~*Draco'z chick*~ ~ Whee! I got the desired reaction out of someone! *grin* Many people wonder what I'm on . . .

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Deity ~ Okay! Here you go!

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tracev ~ What? Creative and original? _My_ stories? WOOO! *jumps over barrel in sheer joy*

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SpookyKasper ~ It's a parody, hon. Harry's not a vampire or depressed or anything. It's a spoof of _Interview with the Vampire_. So, yeah, everyone's going to act a bit OOC.

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carissa ~ Sometime in May, I think. Anyone know for sure?

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lostgrl ~ *helps back into chair* Don't want you getting hurt, there, dearie. Yep, here's some more!

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Drug Addict ~ Me too! ^___^

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SophieB ~ It is so, it is so. Originally I was planning to have Percy as Armand, but then my common sense rebelled, and . . . I just don't like Percy/Harry. Not when there's Percy/Oliver to be had.

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DarkDragon ~ The e-mail's on its way!

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Lestat ~ I love Draco as much as I love Lestat too! ^__^ And yep, you're right on all three counts. Glad you like it!

Cheese's price, that's nearly a whole page of shout-outs . . . now I know what it feels like to be Stage! On with the show! 

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Interview with Harry

[CUT TO: INT. Night. Hogwarts, the seventh-year Gryffindor dormitories.] 

[HARRY is in bed, coughing piteously and generally looking very pathetic. Suddenly, DRACO falls in through the ceiling, bounces off the canopy on the top, rips it, and lands in HARRY'S lap.] 

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DRACO

Fancy meeting you here. 

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HARRY

What are you doing here? 

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DRACO

Sitting in your lap, apparently. 

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HARRY

Would you mind moving? 

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DRACO 

[batting his eyes innocently]

But, Harry, I want to give you the choice I never had. 

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HARRY

I'm choosing for you to get out of my lap. 

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DRACO

The butterbeer has no taste for you anymore, does it? Even the scrumptious pastries taste flat and uninteresting. But what if I could pluck out the pain, give you a new life that would be for all time? 

[HE takes HARRY by the hand, opens the window, and jumps out. HARRY screams like a madman and clings tightly to DRACO. THEY land in the forest near Hagrid's hut.] 

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DRACO

This is your last sunrise. Enjoy it. 

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HARRY V.O.

And so I saw my last sunrise. It's strange. I had lived through 6, 205 sunrises, and yet, I can't remember any one before my last. 

[CUT TO: The Forbidden Forest. HARRY is wandering around.] 

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DRACO 

[from above]

BANZAI! 

[HE jumps down and attacks HARRY. THEY struggle for a second, but then DRACO overpowers HARRY and drinks from him. HE pulls away.] 

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DRACO

I've drained you near to death. I'm going to change you now, so you must stay awake. I repeat, you *must* stay awake. Listen to the sounds of our hearts beating. 

[HE bites his wrist and holds it above HARRY'S mouth. As the blood hits HIS mouth, he begins lapping at it, then lunges up, jerks DRACO'S wrist down to him, and begins drinking in earnest.] 

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DRACO 

[jerks his wrist away]

Okay! Okay! Enough! 

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HARRY

Eurgh! 

[HE begins flailing around.] 

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HARRY

What's happening? 

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DRACO

You're dying. Pay no attention . . . we all go through it. 

[HARRY falls down and stares up at the sky. The blood disappears from his chin, fangs appear, and his eyes become brighter.] 

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HARRY V.O.

I was a newborn vampire discovering the beauties of the night. 

[DRACO walks over and leans over HARRY. HARRY becomes transfixed with the buttons on DRACO'S coat.] 

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HARRY

Ooooh . . . buttons . . . 

[CUT TO: INT. Night. The apartment.] 

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NEVILLE

Whoa. So, wait. What about crucifixes? 

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HARRY

Crucifixes? 

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NEVILLE

Crucifixes. You know, the crosses with the mangled body of Christ on them? 

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HARRY

Ah, yes, crucifixes! I like looking at them. Blood! Death! Gore! Carnage! 

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NEVILLE

Pardon? 

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HARRY 

[laughing nervously]

Ah heh heh . . . I meant . . . cabbage! For my rabbit! [points to rabbit in a hutch in the corner of the room. NEVILLE coos and waves at the rabbit. The rabbit snarls and reveals pointy white bunny-fangs.] 

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NEVILLE

Okay . . . so what about smoke? 

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HARRY

What about smoke? 

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NEVILLE

Can you turn into smoke and go through keyholes? 

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HARRY

Can you? 

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NEVILLE

No, but I'm human. You're a vampire, and vampires can do that . . . 

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HARRY

According to whom? Bram Stoker? That book is nothing more than the ramblings of a deluded Irishman. 

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NEVILLE

What about coffins? 

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HARRY 

[rolls his eyes]

Coffins, unfortunately, are a necessity. 

[CUT TO: INT. Night. A basement.] 

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DRACO

Oops. 

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HARRY

"Oops?" 

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DRACO

How silly of me! I haven't a coffin for you. We'll have to share. [grins wickedly at HARRY] 

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HARRY

Um. That's perfectly okay, thanks. I'll just . . . find a closet somewhere . . . 

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DRACO

You will do no such thing! Come, come, get in. 

[HE gets into the coffin and shoots HARRY a 'come-hither' look. HARRY'S left eye twitches, but he gets in too.] 

[CUT TO: INT. The inside of the coffin.] 

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HARRY

Am I dead yet? 

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DRACO

Do you feel dead? 

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HARRY

No. My nose itches. 

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DRACO

Then you're not dead. Now shut up and go to sleep. 

~end chapter two~


	3. The Best Butterbeer

Welcome to chapter three! First, though, the shout-outs!

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Bondagechic ~ Here's more—is this soon enough? And, yes, I did mean to make the _Bunnicula_ reference—I love that book!

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Celestine ~ Thanks! 

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Lestat ~ Aww, you say such things. _Interview_ is very depressing, isn't it? Thanks for your nice words and here's more!

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Arukara ~ Hah, right, Seamus. No, it's going to be Hermione.

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MiakaMalfoy ~ I was laughing while I was typing it. ^_^;; My computer teacher yelled at me. Thanks for the nice words!

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SophieB ~ Hey, weird food metaphors are our friends. And Harry is a bit of a smartaleck, isn't he? *grin* Gotta love 'im!

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ColorlessRainbow ~ Thank you thank you much. You ask, and I obey—here is chapter three.

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Anita ~ That was a Dexter reference? Really? *coughs* um. I mean, I meant to do that. Yeah. 

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Sou ~ Yeah, I can't get enough of vampire!Harry either. He's sexy when he broods. *smiles at Miss Sou-chan* Enjoy!

Okay, enough with them. Here's chapter three!

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Interview with Harry

HARRY V.O.

Blood was also a very unfortunate necessity . . . 

[CUT TO: INT. Night. A pub.] 

[DRACO, HARRY, and a SERVING-GIRL (Pansy) are in a balcony. PANSY is facing DRACO and is holding a bottle of butterbeer.] 

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PANSY

Once you've had Rosmerta's butterbeer, you'll never go to another tavern again. 

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DRACO

What if I want to taste your lips instead? 

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PANSY

They're even better. [giggles] 

[DRACO leans in as if to kiss her.] 

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DRACO 

[just loudly enough for HARRY to hear]

Banzai. 

[HE goes for the neck. PANSY squeals. DRACO pulls away.] 

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DRACO

My friend should taste those lips. 

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PANSY

Is your friend's kiss as . . . delightful as yours? 

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DRACO

More so. 

[HARRY gulps, then leans over and kisses PANSY. A trail of blood goes down her cheek. DRACO poiks her in the wrist and drinks from there. Suddenly, HARRY pulls away.] 

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HARRY

Eurgh! Oh, that's disgusting! 

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DRACO 

[looks up]

What's disgusting? 

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HARRY

The blood! It tastes funny! 

[HE notices PANSY is acting very not alive.] 

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HARRY

What's the matter with her? 

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DRACO

She's dead. 

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HARRY

Dead?! 

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DRACO

Yes, dead. You're a vampire, a killer. You'll have to take life so you can continue to exist. 

[CUT TO: INT. The Great Hall.] 

[DRACO and HARRY are sitting at an empty table, untouched food between them. DOBBY enters.] 

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DOBBY

Won't you be wanting any, Harry Potter sir? 

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HARRY

I'll be finishing in a minute. 

[DOBBY shrugs. HARRY stares, mesmerized, at the tiny vein throbbing in his little bitty neck.] 

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HARRY 

[choked]

Go! 

[DOBBY exits.] 

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DRACO

You fool! 

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HARRY 

[shaking himself out of it]

What? 

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DRACO

You are a fool! Can't you be a little less obvious? 

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HARRY

Obvious? Who's being obvious? You're the one who fed on a student in the middle of the Potions dungeon! 

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DRACO 

[ignoring HARRY]

How long do you think it will take for them to ffigure us out? Do you want to die? 

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HARRY

Sometimes . . . I wish . . . 

[CUT TO: INT. Night. The Great Hall.] 

[HARRY is playing Solitaire and DRACO is on his hands and knees on the floor.] 

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DRACO 

[hand flashes out and he grabs something]

Aha! 

[HE stands, goes over to the cabinet, and takes out a glass. HE bites the neck of the rat] 

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RAT

Owie. 

[And pours it into the goblet.] 

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HARRY

What are you doing? 

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DRACO

Drink? [he offers the glass and HARRY takes it] 

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HARRY

What--? [he takes a sip and makes a face] 

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DRACO

Gets cold so quickly, doesn't it? 

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HARRY

What is this? 

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DRACO

It's the blood of a rat. 

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HARRY

A rat? You mean, animal blood? We can live without taking human life? 

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DRACO

Yeah, but what fun is that? You can't hear them scream. 

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HARRY

It is possible, though? 

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DRACO

Anything is possible. Try it for a week and you'll be dying-get it? Dying?-to take human life. [chuckles] Come on, Harry, it's so boring here. Let's go party. 

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HARRY 

[as DRACO grabs him by the hand and drags him off]

Party. . ? 


	4. Toeless Suffering

Here—finally—is chapter four! Sorry, no shout-outs this time around, but I will get everyone in chapter five, SO REVIEW!

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Interview with Harry

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HARRY V.O.

Draco would often kill two, three, ten a night. His favorite for the appetizers was a nice, stupid young girl, and then for seconds, he would choose a gilded, beautiful youth. 

[CUT TO: INT. A large house.] 

[DRACO and HARRY enter, dressed in finery. DRACO pokes HARRY in the side.] 

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DRACO

Look. Over there. Widower St. Hagrid. 

[HARRY looks over and sees a huge man stuffed into an ill-fitting dress with a blonde man by his side.] 

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HARRY

What about him? 

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DRACO

He had that gorgeous young fop murder his boss. 

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HARRY

How did you know that? 

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DRACO

Read his mind. 

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HARRY 

[turns and narrows his eyes, then shrugs]

I can't. 

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DRACO 

[chuckles]

Loser. 

[THEY go over to WIDOWER ST. HAGRID, who is holding Fluffy in his lap, and the FOP (Lockhart). HAGRID lifts his hand and DRACO kisses it.] 

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HAGRID

Pleased to meetcher. You too. [as HARRY kisses his hand] 

[CUT TO: EXT. Outside the house.] 

[HARRY, holding Fluffy's leash, and HAGRID are walking in one direction while DRACO and LOCKHART are going off in another. When the other two are out of sight, DRACO pushes LOCKHART up against a tree.] 

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LOCKHART

Once, when I was in Siberia fighting against the Loopy Werewolf, I . . . 

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DRACO

Shush. [leans close to LOCKHART and whispers] Banzai. 

[CUT TO: EXT. Night. Trees.] 

[HARRY helps HAGRID sit down.] 

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HAGRID

Y'know, this is pretty nasty, right, I'm old enough to be yer father. 

[HARRY leans in and tries to bite HIS neck, but gets a mouthful of hair and spits it out. HE tries again, but is distracted by Fluffy's constant barking. HE grabs the leash and--] 

[CUT TO: EXT. Night. Trees.] 

[An angry yell is heard. DRACO turns from the now almost dead LOCKHART.] 

[CUT TO: EXT. Night. Trees.] 

[HARRY has left HAGRID on the bench and is working on draining Fluffy. One head is completely drained, the second is whimpering, and the third is the one HARRY is drinking from.] 

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HAGRID

Monster! Yer killed my puppy! 

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DRACO

Banzai! [snaps HAGRID'S neck, then turns and glares at HARRY] You sniveling, whining, annoying excuse for a vampire! What kind of predator stalks the night killing rats and three-headed dogs? Did you think about what might have happened if he had told about us? You could have finished us both! 

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HARRY

You've condemned me to Hufflepuff! 

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DRACO

There's nothing wrong with being in Hufflepuff. 

[HARRY jumps to HIS feet, grabs DRACO by the collar, and slams HIM into a tree.] 

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DRACO 

[laughing]

Stop it, Harry, that tickles. 

[Another tree.] 

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DRACO

Yes, this is why I chose you! The anger! The fury! Plus you get this really adorable look on your face when you're mad. 

[HARRY lets DRACO down and begins to walk away.] 

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DRACO

Go on, Harry, go on eating your puppies. Just remember-life without me would be even more unbearable. 

[CUT TO: INT. The staff room.] 

[The TEACHERS are doing divination to figure out who is killing all the 

students.] 

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TRELAWNEY

I think it is . . . [covers her eyes and points] HIM! 

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MCGONAGALL 

[dryly, pushing down TRELAWNEY'S hand]

Somehow I doubt it's me. 

[CUT TO: INT. The empty Great Hall.] 

[HARRY has his wand lit up and is staring at the tip. DRACO has his feet propped up on the table, holding a bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, and throwing them at HARRY.] 

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HARRY 

[as a bean hits him on the head]

Stop. 

[another bean goes down his shirt] 

Stop that! 

[a bean lands in his still-open mouth and he spits it out] 

Stop! 

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DRACO

Is this really how you spent your pathetic existence before you met me? God, no wonder you wanted to die. 

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HARRY 

[tiredly]

Shut up. 

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DRACO

Come on, Harry, the Venetian circus is in town. We can go get some Italian cuisine. 

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HARRY

Thanks, but I'm not hungry. 

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DRACO

Not hungry? That's not possible! 

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HARRY

I don't want to take human life! Why is that so hard for you to understand? 

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DRACO 

[snorts]

Wimp. 

[TRELAWNEY runs by, screaming, followed by a very angry MCGONAGALL.] 

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DRACO

That noise! That noise! For days and days and days and days and- 

[Fifteen minutes later] 

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DRACO

--days and days and-Harry, wake UP! 

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HARRY 

[snorts awake]

Huh? 

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DRACO

Can't you shut those teachers up? For days there's been nothing but that noise! 

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HARRY 

[grins up at DRACO]

They know what we are. They watch us dine on empty plates and drink from empty glasses. How long do you think it will be before they catch on? 

[DRACO glares at him and storms out. HE crashes into DOBBY, who is coming in.] 

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DOBBY

Excuse me Draco Malfoy sir! 

[DRACO leaves and DOBBY runs up to HARRY.] 

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HARRY

Yes, Dobby? 

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DOBBY

Harry Potter sir, you must listen! You must send your boyfriend away! 

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HARRY

My who? 

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DOBBY

Your boyfriend! The pretty blonde man! Everyone is scared of him! 

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HARRY

What? Why? 

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DOBBY

He cross-dresses and makes us listen to him sing! 

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HARRY

Ew! 

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DOBBY

How long has it been since you've visited the kitchens? Are you even the great Harry Potter anymore? And that's not even the worst of it, Harry Potter sir! 

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HARRY

What is the worst of it? 

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DOBBY

Everyone is scared of you, too, Harry Potter sir! 

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HARRY 

[takes DOBBY'S hand and nuzzles HIS wrist]

I'm scared of myself. 

[HE bites.] 

[CUT TO: INT. The hallway outside the Great Hall.] 

[The TEACHERS, some of the STUDENTS, and the HOUSE-ELVES are standing outside the door, holding torches. HARRY opens the door, carrying DOBBY'S body.] 

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HARRY

This room is cursed! Danged! 

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DEAN 

[cracks up]

Danged? 

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HARRY

We're in school. I can't say what it really is. [coughs] Anyway! Get out! You should all run! Flee! [throws DOBBY at someone, then grabs a torch from the wall and goes in.] 

[HE starts setting things on fire. Just as he sets the Gryffindor banner alight, he collapses. DRACO bursts in . . . via the wall.] 

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DRACO

Perfect! Perfect! Just burn the place, burn everything in here! Have us sleeping in the field like Muggles! 

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HARRY

You thought you could have it all. 

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DRACO

Oh, shut up, Harry! [grabs him and hauls him up] Come on! 

[CUT TO: INT. Night. A mausoleum.] 

[HARRY is lying unconscious on the floor, then he opens his eyes.] 

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HARRY

Where are we? 

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DRACO

We're in a nasty old cold cemetery. Are you happy now, my idiot friend? 

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HARRY

We should be in Hell. 

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DRACO

Well, what if there is no Hell? Or what if they don't want us there? 

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HARRY

Then to Hufflepuff it is. 

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DRACO

There's nothing wrong with being in Hufflepuff! 

[CUT TO: EXT. Night. London.] 

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HARRY V.O.

But Draco was wrong. There was a Hell, and no matter where we went, it was there, laughing at me, beckoning me. 

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HELL V.O.

Neener neener neener! 

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HARRY V.O.

We got an apartment in London. 

[HARRY looks over his shoulder into the apartment where DRACO is with two Women of Questionable Standards™ (Lavender and Parvati).] 

****

LAVENDER

Your skin is icy. 

[CUT TO: INT. The apartment.] 

****

DRACO 

[to PARVATI]

Your friend has no head for mead. 

****

PARVATI

I can warm your icy skin. [she touches DRACO'S face] Oh, you're all warm and toasty now. 

[DRACO goes down and bites her foot. HE pulls away, PARVATI'S sock dangling from his fang. HE spits it off and bites her toes.] 

****

PARVATI

Ooh! Hey, that tickles! Stop that! 

[DRACO pulls away and PARVATI looks down and sees her toes have been bitten off.] 

****

PARVATI

Oh my goodness! Where did my toes go? 

[HARRY comes back in. HE looks at PARVATI, then shakes his head.] 

****

PARVATI 

[the information sinks in]

WHERE ARE MY TOES? 

[DRACO strolls over, pokes her knee with his thumbnail thingy, and fills a goblet with blood, then offers it to HARRY.] 

****

HARRY

Eurgh! No! 

****

DRACO

Why not? 

****

HARRY

You ate her phalanges! 

****

DRACO

I most certainly did not; she's a girl! 

****

HARRY

Her toes, you fool, you ate her toes! 

****

DRACO

Did I? Oh, so I did. Whoops. 

****

HARRY 

[turns away]

I refuse- 

****

DRACO

End her toeless suffering! End yours! 

****

HARRY

I have toes. 

****

DRACO

I didn't mean that you don't have toes, I meant end your suffering! 

****

HARRY

But I'm not suffering because I don't have toes! 

****

DRACO

I mean stop being so dang noble and take her already! 

****

HARRY

You know I refuse to take human life! 

****

PARVATI

Um, hello? Woman with no toes back here! 

****

DRACO 

[goes over to PARVATI]

Have you looked at the coffee table? 

****

PARVATI

No. 

****

DRACO

Look! It has a lid! [knocks the lid off the coffin and throws PARVATI in, then covers it again.] 

****

PARVATI 

[yelling]

Hey! I'm not dead! I just don't have any toes! Come back here! 

****

DRACO

Well? Would you take her already? 

****

HARRY

I already said no! 

****

DRACO

Not even this? [holds out glass and pouts adorably] 

****

HARRY

Well . . . [stares longingly at the glass and then forces himself to turn away] No! 

****

DRACO

Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease? 

****

HARRY

I'm leaving. [exits] 

****

DRACO

Hmph. [opens the coffin, drains PARVATI, then sticks her toes in her mouth] There are your toes. 


End file.
